


Like a far away star

by rufferto



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memory Loss, Romance, Takes place after Avengers 1
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-05-10 11:17:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14735951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufferto/pseuds/rufferto
Summary: After He attacks New York, Loki Vanishes. Thor cannot find him. Heimdall cannot see him. They assume he is dead, but he is not. He is quietly living on Midgard and making a living as a Romance Novelist with memory loss. This is an AU where there is no Ragnarok and Hela is banished to Earth by Odin. Hela recognizes Loki when she runs into him on Earth. She attempts to use this to her own advantage by trying to bargain with Thor. It doesn't go well.   She did not know Loki and Thor were in a relationship. Sort of.





	1. Chapter 1

“Strange Power, I know not what thou art,  
Murderer or mistress of my heart.  
I know I'd rather meet the blow  
Of my most unrelenting foe  
Than live---as now I live---to be  
Slain twenty times a day by thee.  
  
Yet, when I would command thee hence,  
Thou mockest at the vain pretence,  
Murmuring in mine ear a song  
Once loved, alas! forgotten long;  
And on my brow I feel a kiss  
That I would rather die than miss.”

-To Memory “Mary Elizabeth Coleridge”

CHAPTER ONE – Lost --

Loki glanced back at the bus he’d just spent thirteen hours of his life on and breathed in the fresh air of the Illinois countryside. He was in the middle of nowhere and strangely felt okay about that. He liked walking out of a bus station into rural America. He never knew what he was going to find or where he was going to get inspiration from. His editor in New York City told him that most writers tended to travel. Unfortunately Loki really couldn’t travel outside the United States so he opted to visit different places for different reasons. The town he’d wound up at was Galena, Illinois along the Mississippi river. This would be a good place to write, or so he’d been told.

Interesting architecture, a picturesque downtown, it felt old here and Loki liked that. There was a connection to the past and maybe somehow he could tap into that. Perhaps he would remember something. He always held out a little hope that somehow he might but it had been nearly six years since he woke up in that hospital.

Six long years.

He’d changed since then, but he knew he was different than most people on this planet. There was no trace of aging, for one, not that he had any idea of how old he was, and he was never ill, for another. He wondered if he might be one of those enhanced people, or even like the Avengers. Sometimes, sometimes out of the corner of his eye he saw things. Flashes. Memories. None ever made sense. He didn’t think about it too much because if he did he ended up getting depressed.

Depression would send him on benders and he didn’t like waking up afterwards.

He checked in at a local B&B, a fairly decent one all things considered and he’d seen many of them over the years. They’d been expecting him and he was fawned over a little but not to a great degree. He was not that well-known as an author. It was nice because he didn’t like the attention. He didn’t do book store signings when something new was published. He just kept to himself.

He hadn’t had a single relationship in all those years. He’d tried therapy but how do you talk about something when you have no idea what’s wrong. Every date he went on, nothing worked. Nothing was good enough and he ended up going home and pleasuring himself.

When he closed his eyes and came he thought of eyes the color of a brilliant blue sky and sunshine. He thought of an aggravated voice in his head and a familiar moan of pleasure. This was a person he should remember, but he did not, and it was probably for the best. He’d never see them again.

If he had a family, they would have found him by now. There would have been something, some evidence of his past. Unfortunately, nothing. Not even a DNA record. As far as the world was concerned he had suddenly appeared ten years ago in passed out in a subway car. No identification and wearing only an expensive looking black suit.

All he knew was a name. Loki. It must have been some sort of internet handle, he was sure. He’d struggled at first but eventually he was given a name to use. Jack Dunn. He didn’t like it but he couldn’t exactly go around calling himself after a villain who had attacked New York City several years before that. His hair was ginger also, not black.

But he kept using the name as his pen name and internet handle. He didn’t like answering to the name Jack, anyway. It bothered him. It wasn’t his name, he was certain and he didn’t know why he was here. Loki stretched out on the bed in his room at the b&b. He didn’t like sleeping. Sleeping brought on dreams and he never remembered them when he woke. He only knew that they weren’t good dreams.

He had a small worry ball that he played with when he was nervous or had to think about what the next story was going to be about. He threw it up in the air and caught it again as he leaned on one arm. Here he was again, somewhere in America needing to cough up words. He’d been having a bit of a writer’s block lately. There was something big forming in his head but he didn’t have the ability to get it all out yet. He didn’t know where to start.

His life wasn’t exactly full of adventure and excitement though he had a hell of an imagination. Writing romance novels wasn’t easy without it. He was popular, he supposed, given that his novels sold. He had a small apartment in New York, not achievable without some sort of solid financials. Downstairs someone was playing the news. Something about the Avengers, no doubt.

Another thing Loki noticed was that his senses were far better than a normal human. It wasn’t a great super power because he could hear more than he really wanted to, but useful nonetheless. Sometimes also inspiration for his writing. He couldn’t imagine fighting with it. He was fairly certain he wasn’t a fighter, though he could defend himself.

After a while he realized that sleeping wasn’t going to happen, so he grabbed his coat and decided to go for a walk. The TV was still on in the common area of the B&B and it appeared like interviews were being given of the heroes giving everything they had to defend Earth. Though they did the media was always attacking them. It never ceased to amaze Loki how politicians used situations like that.

What made him pause was that Thor was there, being interviewed because he was one of the few who actually didn’t mind talking to the reporter. Usually.

Loki swallowed. Seeing Thor always made his pulse race and his mouth go dry. The dark recesses of his mind would conjure impossible images. Memories of being pounded into a mattress by the God of Thunder weren’t ones he could trust. He’d been having them since he first saw Thor on TV. No doubt everyone else did too.

Who wouldn’t? He was perfection. There was no man who could ever hope to achieve looking like he did. There was something about him though. He was trying to smile at the reporter but there was a sadness in his eyes.

“What of your brother?” The reporter asked. “Will he ever return to Earth?”

“He cannot. He is dead.” Thor’s voice sounded odd, filled with emotion. “Excuse me, I have to go.” Using that amazing hammer of his he gathered energy and took off.

Loki’s gut twisted, another gnawing pain in his heart. He’d seen that before and not just on TV. He headed quickly out of the b&b hands held closely together as he wrung them nervously. It wasn’t possible. He could not be _that_ Loki. It was a coincidence. A stupid coincidence. He didn’t believe it. His hands shook. He didn’t even look like him.  He wasn’t evil.

He felt a panic attack coming on and paced up and down the path outside the B&B.

A feminine voice came from his left.  “What are you doing out here? It’s a bit cold to be without a hat or gloves.”

He turned around and saw tall, slender lady with long black hair and a pale face. She looked vaguely familiar. “Hello, the cold does not bother me much.” Loki cleared his throat. She was right, he had not even noticed the temperature drop. Another thing that he’d labeled a mysterious power.

She was a cross between ethereal and classically beautiful. It was like… looking at an angel and then realizing that the devil had a part in making this woman.  She moved with grace when she walked up to him. “I see we’re both staying at the same B&B.” Her smile was a little on the odd side. “My name is Hellen Baldrsfaðr. Here on business. But please call me Hela.”  She spoke with a slight accent and extended her hand.

He took it, it was warm. Loki smiled hesitantly. “I’m Jack.”  He responded. “Jack Dunn.”

“Hmm,” she tsked. “Well you certainly don’t look like a Jack Dunn.” She sounded amused, like she knew something he didn’t. “I’m from Norway.” She offered, as if that might mean something to him.

He said, “New York City,” with a shrug. It was familiar, she was familiar. He frowned. “Do I know you?” He could not help blurting that out.

“No, no you don’t.” Hela shook her head. “But I know you. You’re that novelist who goes by the penname Loki, are you not?”

A fan. Loki tried not to be disappointed. “Yes. You got me.” His smile was certainly not genuine.

“I have one of your books with me, do you mind signing it tomorrow? If it’s not too much trouble?” Hela's knowing expression became oddly kind.

“Of course,” Loki nodded. He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up.  “I’ll be here a while. I would appreciate it if you did not announce my presence.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Hela told him. “You seem to be feeling better now, hm? Shall we take a walk together? Tell me about New York, I’ve never been there.”

Loki nodded slowly. She was right, he did feel better. There was something about her. Something familiar. He wasn’t sure at all what it was but he really wanted to find out. She seemed genuinely friendly too, which was not his experience with people. To his great surprise he actually enjoyed talking with her as they spoke about New York City, stopped at a coffee shop and discussed literature. As it turned out, she was an editor. 

*TBC* 

 

 


	2. chapter 2

Loki smiled as he bid Hela good night. She had managed a thing that most people were not capable of doing. She had managed to bring him down from what was about to develop into a full blown agonizing panic attack. She hadn’t brought up his books which was nice. Most fans would have been gushing about what the next adventure would be for his characters. But all they talked about was other books. Authors she liked and suggested he read, things he had read.

It was hard for Loki, because every time he read a new book he would always wonder if this was something he’d read before.  There were times that he just knew he had and times when he could not quite decide one way or the other. Sleep was not going to happen because there were a mess of ideas in his head from the sudden inspiration. So he pulled out his laptop and began to write.

Loki didn’t stop writing until about five hours later when he could no longer see the screen. He practically passed out on the bed from the exhaustion of it. He hadn’t written like that in months. He might just be getting over his writer’s block. Coming out to Illinois had been a really good idea. It felt so good to get words down again. It always helped.

As he closed his eyes he thought about Hela. She was attractive, witty and fun to be with. He liked her a lot. She made him feel safe, too. Unfortunately and as always, any woman he found attractive wasn’t the one he dreamed about when he finally fell asleep.

*

Hela touched her forehead with two fingers and rubbed it. This wasn’t a coincidence. It couldn’t be. It was too genius. She wouldn’t put it past her father to have set it up deliberately to see what she would do. Another damn test. She was so tired of them. Her real power was stuck in Helheim for good, she was sure. What was the point of having her live and die on earth so many damn times. Sadistic bastard. Had he done the same to Loki?

She was certain she had found him. The ginger hair might have thrown most people off the scent but she had seen enough pictures and watched her younger brother carry out enough mad plans that she could recognize him.

Odin had a lot to answer for.

She ground her teeth in frustration and tossed the book she’d been reading across the room. She heard the sound of someone tossing and turning and frowned. When she got out of bed she threw on a robe and sought out the source. She was never sure why but she was always drawn to people who needed help. Another punishment from Odin. Ugh.

But this time it came from Loki’s room.

Here on Midgard she possessed meager powers, nothing that would ever get her noticed. They were a mockery of what she had been capable of in the past. On earth she had the power to calm people and diffuse tense situations. What a laugh for the Goddess of Death. At dawn on the beginning of each day she always witnessed the crossings into the afterlife. It was still her domain in spite of everything and she had just been through that when she heard Loki crying in his sleep.

She knew that Odin was trying to get her to feel.

“Blast his soul.” Hela muttered to herself. She’d exhausted every single derogatory term for her father over the years of her imprisonment.

Using her magic, she unlocked Loki’s door and entered the room. She gasped for a moment. In his sleep, Loki was changed, not the ginger-haired man she met earlier.  This _was_ Loki, but he was in the throes of a nightmare. Something had caused him to change. In spite of her nature she went to the side of the bed and touched his shoulder, the forehead.

“Calm, little brother. You are not alone.”  Hela brushed at his forehead and watched him slowly relax. The tears still made his cheeks damp and as she sat with him he changed back to his Midgard disguise. He probably didn’t even know. She stayed with him until she was sure he was sleeping soundly again and cast a little spell to keep the room low in light. That would allow him sleep.  She sighed as she stood at the door and watched him. In all her long years on this god-forsaken planet she had never felt a connection to anyone.

It wasn’t love. It felt more like what she felt for her darling wolf Fenris. Something natural, almost maternal.

Hela scoffed, she should leave him to his own mess and get on with her own. Unless? She closed Loki’s door and locked it the way it had been before, as if she had not been there. Hela walked back to her own room to shower and change. Most of the time she did not require sleep but it was only fair to those around that a pretense was made.

Loki could be a means to get back to Asgard and get her power again. She knew that Thor craved news anything of his brother. She’d already watched that older brother grieve and mourn enough that she was certain the smallest thing would give him cause to hope. Thor was predictable like that. She could hardly believe they were related.

Hela smiled, a Thor in emotional pain could be easily manipulated. She was certainly looking forward to this. In this state Loki was vulnerable. If this was Odin’s doing he had provided her with the perfect means of escape.

Stupid old man was getting slow. She fired up her laptop and got to work.

*

When Loki woke up he was surprised by how good he felt. He usually never woke up feeling refreshed. He glanced at the clock. It was already almost noon, apparently he’d missed the breakfast part of bed and breakfast. He sighed as his stomach rumbled.  He’d have to go out somewhere to eat but at least he started writing again. He stretched and slid off the bed to pad over to the shower. He stripped off his sleep shirt and tossed it to the ground to run the water. He liked it hot. One of the best parts of his day was stepping into a hot shower and letting the steam sear his skin.

It was a reminder that he wasn’t completely human. Loki got the temperature to the way he liked it and got into the shower. The water poured over him, drenching his hair and he closed his eyes. He was always over sensitive when he woke and today was nothing different. He took the soap and lathered it in his hands, spreading it over his chest. He bit his lip and his hand went lower to grip his cock.

In the six years since he had woken up he hadn’t been intimate with anyone. It had been a personal choice and not due to lack of interest. He just couldn’t risk it. That left him with very few options for pleasure, which he needed. He had discovered he was a little wanton when it came to sex and that frightened him. Avoiding actually doing it with another person was both frustrating and also kept him sane. He just wasn’t attracted to anyone.

Except for the man he saw yesterday on the news. Thor, one of the Avengers. Tall, blonde, gorgeous and so fucking good. Loki fantasized about him quite a bit, actually but he wasn’t one of those people who sought out crushes. It wasn’t possible, anyway. Thor certainly wouldn’t be interested in someone who used the name of his dead evil little brother, and he wasn’t even from this planet.

Fantasies were just that.

Loki pulled on his cock, imagining what it would be like to run his fingers down that broad chest. To explore his lips. Images flashed in his head of him doing just that. Climbing up Thor like a tree, knocking him down on the bed. His imagination was really very good. That’s why he was a writer after all. He knew Thor would be beautiful, large muscular thighs spread, blue eyes shining brightly. Loki whined just thinking about it. He could picture it clearly in his head.

He kept stroking himself, needing more. Ugh, he hadn’t brought any of his toys with him. It was usually at this point where he broke down and stuck a dildo up his ass. He knew he was bisexual, he knew that much at least. He just … no one interested him. He felt his breath coming in sharp little gasps. He felt Thor behind him, cock deep inside, lips nibbling his shoulder. It felt so real, he whimpered and shuddered. Phantom sensations built up.

* _Come for me, Loki_.* Loki heard Thor whisper into his ear, a deep throaty sound that made his gut clench. Loki couldn’t help but do just that when he imagined those words, a soft cry on his lips.

It was almost as real as a memory.

His cheeks were wet, and not just from the water. He trembled after his release and panted as he leaned against the tiles. It didn’t do him any favors to keep fantasizing about something he could never have but he couldn’t help it.

One he’d started thinking about Thor, his body had almost immediately reacted and the first time was years ago. He quickly shook the image from his brain knowing how futile it was to dwell on it.

Loki reached for the shampoo with shaking fingers. At least he wasn’t tired anymore.

*

The image was meant to do exactly as it was intended. Get attention. The curly haired man dressed in casual, yet tasteful clothing sat outside a coffee shop reading a paper. He looked for all the world like he didn’t care about a thing and it was perfectly fine for him to sit out there in the open where anyone could spot him.

To a passerby, he was nobody, after all.

But to a SHIELD agent who knew better, facial recognition software always did the trick. The problem was there was no way of knowing which coffee shop he was at. Agent Hill stared at the image. It was unmistakable. He was right there. Alive. She rubbed her face, not sure if this was something she could bring to Coulson. Especially since they had no idea where he was.

The picture had been sent to them via an anonymous server and through several different ips. There was no way of tracking it. It could literally be anywhere in the world. It wasn’t the image itself that bothered her, it was the words that came with it.

LOKI LIVES. For now.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

Loki felt refreshed. He’d slept in, probably for the first time in his life. He didn’t usually given his nightmares but for some reason he had slept solidly. He was also hungry. He smiled.

It was going to be a good day.

He was in and out of the shower quickly, washing his short ginger curls and actually smiling. He’d written quite a bit the previous night and later he would edit. It was nice to get those juices flowing again. He opened the window and looked out over the picturesque scenery. His room overlooked the front garden of the bed and breakfast and he frowned when he saw a red sports car parked in the visitor parking.   
  
He got dressed quickly and grabbed his laptop. He was going to visit one of the city’s parks later and do some writing there. Sometimes he liked being outside, feeling the fresh air and sunshine on his face. It reminded him of … somewhere.

He heard voices as he walked down the stairs and stopped.

“Mr Stark, I certainly cannot allow you to have personal information of my guests.” The owner of the bed and breakfast was patiently trying to explain.

Loki peeked in but didn’t let anyone become aware of his presence. His mouth opened, of course he knew who the two men there were. They were in normal clothing but they were impossible to not recognize. They were the two most visible members of the Avengers. His throat ran dry and his eyes widened.

It was Thor of Asgard, and Tony Stark.

“Please, my lady.” Thor’s voice was tight with emotion. “Is he still here? I must know.”  He had one of Loki’s books in his large hand.

The owner sounded somewhat flustered as anyone might when being face to face with the Asgardian Prince. “Our policy… I can’t just.” She waved her hand.

“Look, we just want to make sure he’s not who we are looking for.” Tony interjected. “That’s all. We don’t plan on hurting him or taking him anywhere. My friend here.” He put a hand on Thor’s large shoulder. “Really needs to know. I assure you, our intentions are not to cause any trouble. If he is who we are looking for, that man is responsible for so much death and we need to know.”

“You have it wrong!” The Owner insisted sharply. “It’s just an unfortunate coincidence. He’s really a lovely, kind person, please just leave him alone.”

Thor sighed.  “He’s my brother. Surely you understand why I have to know.” His voice trembled slightly with raw emotion. “I must know.”

The owner sighed.

Loki’s emotions churned as he ducked back out of site. He had a few courses of action. He could avoid the main foyer altogether and head out via the kitchen and the back door and escape in his rental car. He could go back up to his room or he could go inside and confront the pair of them so they could see for sure that he wasn’t the person they were looking for.

He could not be. It wasn’t possible.

Loki shuddered. He knew about all the atrocities the other Asgardian had committed. He was not that person. He tried to steady his breathing and the erratic beating of his heart. It happened every time he saw footage of Thor. It was even worse being this close to him. How could he have these feelings if he was really Thor’s brother? That was impossible.

He was torn between an overwhelming need to confront Thor and the desire to flee. 

Unfortunately, the choice was made for him. There were men in dark suits standing in front of the either end of the hallway. He backed away a little. One of them contacted Stark.

Tony turned. “Take it easy.” He told the man who had contacted him. “No aggressive movements.”

“What is it?” Thor turned around. “Loki?” His eyes widened.

Loki’s heart pounded in his chest. His head throbbed and he took several deep breaths as though finding it hard to breath. “I’m n-not.” He stammered, clutching his laptop bag to his chest. He stared at Thor. His heart ached and his head throbbed in pain. “I’m not _him_.” 

“Loki!” Thor started to come towards him, expression wary but full of desperate hope.

Half mad with panic, Loki kept moving back down the hallway.  “I don’t know you!” He shouted as he clung to his laptop as if it was a shield. “Leave me alone!” He wasn’t sure why he was so afraid, but every part of his being wanted him to just _run_.

Hurt flashed in Thor’s eyes. “What do you mean, you don’t know me? Tony, it is him. His hair may be different, but it’s Loki. I swear it on my mother.”

Tony looked at the back of the book and looked at Loki, he tossed the book to the side and reached up to his head. He was listening to a message from Jarvis.  “You’re right, it is him. Jarvis just ran a scan.”

“Loki, listen to me. We can help you.” Thor stepped forward tentatively.

 “Thor…” Loki rasped. “I’m not your brother!” He said fiercely. “I just have his name, that’s all. I’m not a monster!” His hands shook with anxiety.

“Thor, back up a bit buddy.” Tony suggested.

“Loki it’s alright, we’re not going to hurt you.” Thor tried again. “I can get through to him, Tony. I just need a little time.”

“Not sure time is on our side. Jarvis just said there’s an energy build up around him.” Tony manifested the Iron man suit.

Loki’s mouth opened and he let out a cry of fear. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His back hit a wall.  He had nowhere to go. “Please just leave me alone.” He trembled, staring wide-eyed at Thor.

“It’s okay.” Thor smiled. “Listen to me, focus on my voice. We’re not going to hurt you. Stark, get those people out of here.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Thor.”

“I can handle him.  Go.” Thor said shortly, in a tone that meant he would not take no for an answer.

Tony and the others did as bidden.

“It’s just you and me, now.” Thor smiled, giving Loki some space.  “Can you not remember?”

“I—I…” Loki stammered, “I don’t know you.”

“It’s alright, I know you.”  Thor’s eyes were soft and kind. Loki felt a little wobbly, like his knees would buckle any minute.  “You don’t have to be afraid. We’re not here to hurt you. I’m just surprised to see you, that’s all. I thought you were dead. Can we just sit down for a minute?”

“Yes. Yes.” Loki swallowed. “There’s a lounge this way.”  He didn’t know where he had the courage from as he moved towards the lounge and sank into a single chair. Mainly so that Thor could not sit next to him. He gazed up at the man.

“Thank you.” Thor tells him. “I’m Thor.” He kept on his feet which was more than a little bit intimidating.

“Obviously.” Loki snorted.

Thor’s expression of relief made Loki raise an eyebrow. “Oh,” Thor chuckled. “You sounded just like yourself.”

“Please sit, you’re making my neck sore.” Loki snapped.

Thor did as told, sitting opposite his brother. “I must take you home.”

“And if I don’t want to go with you?” Loki lifted an eyebrow.

“I’m taking you with me, one way or the other.” Thor put his hands together and rested his arms over his knees. “It’s too dangerous to leave you here by yourself.”

“What do you mean by that?” Loki clenched his hands into fists and found himself fidgeting with them a little. “Why can’t you just leave me here? I’m not your brother.”

“Loki,” Thor gave an exasperated sigh. “It matters not if you remember. You must come home to Asgard as there are things that you must answer for.”

“So I…I’m to be punished for crimes I do not remember committing!” Loki got to his feet. “I thought…” He swallowed and gazed at Thor.

Thor shifted uncomfortably and had a hard time meeting Loki’s eyes. “I don’t like it any more than you do, but Odin’s laws are final.”

“Does he know what you think you’ve found here?” Loki asked. He knew, like most people did, that Odin was the King in Asgard. Thor’s father.

“He does not.”

“Then give me time.” Loki trembled, he didn’t know anything about Asgard. “Let me finish my book, and then I will go with you.”

“Why should I trust you now when in the past all you have done is betray me?” Thor demanded. “How do I know you won’t run the minute I turn my back?”

“Stay here with me.” Loki suggested. “You can even sleep in my room. I’ll show you that I’m not that person. I’m not the man you think I am. Just let me finish writing my book.” He begged.

Thor was quiet for a very long moment but if there was one thing that was a constant in this universe, he could not say no to his brother. Not when those eyes were turned on him like that.  Not when he could see a glimmer of the old Loki in there. His brother may not entirely be lost yet. “I’ll stay with you.” He nodded.

“Erm….dressed like that?” Loki eyed his battle suit.

“I’ll change.” Thor said. “But I am not letting you out of my sight.”  He stuck his finger at Loki. “I still don’t entirely believe you have lost your memory, brother. If you do anything to betray me this time, I will show no mercy.”

Loki breathed a sigh of relief, then swallowed as he remembered the dreams he was having. He could do this. He would convince Thor that he wasn’t that evil thing that had come down to earth. He was just Loki and he belonged here.  His stomach rumbled. “Are… are you hungry? I’m hungry.”  

“Sustenance would be welcome.” Thor responded.

Loki watched him use the magic of his hammer with wide eyes as he changed into something that would stand out … less. Not that anyone could mistake who he was.

“I could have just got you some clothes.” Loki said sharply.

“This is sufficient.” Thor rose. “How long will it take you to finish your book?”

“A few weeks.” Loki hoped he could get it done that quickly with Thor looming over him like this. “Maybe.”

“If you are playing some trick…” Thor gave him another warning glare.

“Take it easy, I’m not. I’m really not. I swear.” Loki backed away. “So the place I eat is this way. Let’s uh, try and tone down the men in black, okay? People here are not used to the government hovering.”

“SHIELD is not the government.” Thor took a moment to explain to Tony what was happening through their intercom.

Loki didn’t wait for him and kept walking. He was glad he had his laptop with him. He wondered what Hela would say about this, she had been nice to talk with yesterday.

*

As for Hela, this was an interesting development and she would just wait a little longer, once Thor opened the bi-frost, she could go home. She would bide her time and stick close to them. Since Thor had no idea who she was, it would be easy. Her little brothers would be easy to bend to her will when the time came.

**TBC**


	4. 4

Loki was sure this was the worst idea in the world having the literal god of thunder staying with you while you tried to finish writing a romance novel. It was truly the worst. He grimaced and typed and when Thor shifted in a chair he was hyper aware of every movement. “Do you have to stay in the room with me?” Loki snapped irritably.

Thor frowned, “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Wonderful, how lucky for me,” muttered Loki scathingly. “What are you doing?”

“Reading your work.” Thor had an ipad that Tony had given him. “It’s good.”

Loki rolled a shoulder unscientifically. He knew it was good. The sales of his books were an obvious indicator of his worth as an author.  Thor’s praise didn’t mean anything to him.

“It’s really good, your characters are spot on and you’ve clearly researched the subject matter.” Thor’s expression was mild but Loki knew there was a veiled innuendo in there somewhere.

“Thanks,” Loki refused to look directly at him as he was concentrating on the stubborn chapter and not on the way the back of his neck felt warm from the praise.  He forced himself to think of something else, such as his beautiful new friend Hela.  He wondered where she was, she hadn’t been around since Thor’s arrival.

He was certainly not focused on the way Thor’s muscles rippled with every move he made, the intense look in his eye when he read and the way his hair fell in something of a haphazard mess. He needed it cut, or trimmed or something. That’s when he noticed something. There were a few black strands wrapped into Thor’s braid. He knew Thor had a girlfriend or something, Jane wasn’t it? The reminder made his stomach burn for some reason and he looked away.

“I can’t believe you don’t remember anything.” Thor grunted as he finished a chapter. “Nothing at all?”

“Some things,” Loki admitted grudgingly. He wasn’t going to tell Thor about the steamy memories which were probably just his imagination of course.

“You killed a lot of people,” Thor said haltingly. “I watched you fall to your death from the Bifrost.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Loki said with a scowl.  “I’m not dead and I don’t remember killing anyone. I don’t even look like your brother.”

“It’s just the hair and the glasses. You otherwise do.” Thor said softly. “You are him.”

Loki scoffed. “How can you be so sure?”

“Loki I’ve known you for centuries, I would know you anywhere. I …” Thor bit his lip as though stopping himself from saying what he was about to say.

Loki turned to look at him shrewdly, “Go on…” he waved a hand. “What were you going to say?”

It was an odd look Thor was giving him, Loki wasn’t sure he liked it and at the very same time he *did* like it. There was borderline desperation in that look and it lit a fire in his belly. Somehow he knew, he loved seeing that look and there were days that he would do anything for it and that he missed it and ached for it and that realization scared the hell out of him.

Thor gave a soft growl under his breath and stood up abruptly, clenching his fist. He tossed the ipad on a table nearby and looked as though he was going to advance on Loki.

A sudden thrill shot up Loki’s spine. He licked the inside of his mouth in anticipation and met Thor’s eyes. If he let himself he could get lost in the storm inside those eyes.

“If this is a game, if this is some kind of trick you’re playing to amuse yourself?” Thor’s voice shook slightly. “I don’t appreciate it.”

“I’m not lying!” Loki insisted, jumping to his feet.  “Thor, what possible motive would I have?”

“Avoiding responsibility for your actions is top on the list.” Thor snorted. He calmed down a little but didn’t sit back down and his expression remained guarded.  

Loki sighed and tossed a correction pen down on his desk. “I can’t remember!” He glared at Thor furiously. “Why can’t you understand that!?”

There was a soft knock on the door to Loki’s room and Thor had been about respond to Loki but went back on alert again.

“Jack, it’s me. Are you alright? You didn’t come to lunch today as we planned.”

Hela’s voice had Loki feeling remarkably relieved. He got up much to Thor’s annoyance and went to the door to open it. “Sorry, I’ve been working.”

“I see that,” Hela noticed Thor who sat back down on his chair. “Your friend is familiar, hard not to know who *he* is. You’d have to be living under a rock.” A wide grin spreads across her lips as she slunk into the room, unbidden, as if she owned it. “Won’t you introduce us, darling?”

Thor’s hand tightened a little into a fist. “Who’s this?” He gestured at Hela and glared at Loki.

“Thor, this is my new friend Hellen Baldrsfaor.”  Loki gestured at her and didn’t flinch when she draped an arm on one shoulder and felt mildly amused when Thor looked darkly at both of them.

“Do call me Hela,” she chuckled. “You have been monopolizing dear Loki all morning. We’ve been enjoying a walk or two together and I felt he should get out.” Hela gestured at Loki’s coat, “I would love to take you to eat, darling. You’re far too thin. Jack here is working on his book, he’s a popular author, you know.”

“Hela,” Thor repeated the name. His eyes skidded to where she hung on Loki and he looked extremely displeased. “Pleased to meet you.” He replied through teeth almost gritted together, he was obviously anything but pleased.

“I can’t imagine what you’re here for, though. Are the Avengers protecting Authors now?” Hela gave him a sly look.  She clicked her tongue when Thor stiffens. “Oh, fear not. I will not alert the media. They are surprisingly discreet in this area, no doubt why it was recommended to Jack.”

“I’m sorry Hela.” Loki wanted badly to agree to go with her but something refused to let him. Something in Thor’s eyes. “But I have to finish this chapter. Another time, perhaps?” He un-entangled himself from her arm.

“Too bad,” Hela sounded crestfallen. “I shall call on you tomorrow then. Thor, would you be a gentleman and walk a lady to the stairwell? I have a question for you.”

Thor frowned.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Loki told him. “I swear Thor, I won’t.”

Thor searched Loki’s eyes then finally nodded mutely. He turned and escorted Hela from the room.

Loki fell back into his chair and rubbed his face.

*

“Now then,” Hela said as she and Thor walked. “How long are you going to pretend you don’t know me?”

“What are you doing here, Hela?” Thor rounded on her, gripping her arm.

“You of all people should know exactly why I am here, *brother*.” Hela said with a laugh. “How is our dear father? Does he miss me?”

Thor glared. “Do not speak of him. I’m warning you Hela, stay away from Loki. He’s been through enough.”

“It’s too late for that, especially since I’m the only one who can undo that troublesome spell on him.”  Hela chuckled at Thor’s expression. “For a price.”

“You’re never getting back to Asgard, Hela.” Thor promised darkly.

“Oh come now, Thor, I’m sure you’re desperate to have him back.” Hela’s laugh was like nails scraping against a window pane. “Or are you still trying to deny the truth? Have you told your little merry band of friends just how badly you screwed up? If Loki remembers, he’ll remember that too. Listen to me with your whole tiny brain for once, Thor, I don’t want to go back to Asgard. I want off of this hellhole you call Midgard.” She dug her fingers into Thor’s arm holding him in place. “You owe me that much at least little brother.”

“Let me go!” Thor snarled.

Hela did as she put on her jacket. “I won’t wait forever. If you don’t help me, I’ll jog his memory the wrong way. And trust me, darling,” she said as her lips curled into a snarl and her eyes bored into his, “you don’t want that.”

Thor glared at her back as she headed to her room with an irritating sway of her hips. 

He took several moments to collect himself and stalked back to Loki’s room. The encounter with Hela just complicated everything. Odin wanted him to bring Loki home but with the knowledge that only she could undo the spell, what then? Was there some way he could wake Loki up that wouldn’t be self-serving?  This was his fault in the first place.

*”All I ever wanted was to prove my worth.”*

 Thor stared down at his hands. If he could undo it, he would give anything. His feet felt heavy as he walked to Loki’s door and knocked gently.

*

When Loki heard the knock he was ready. “Come in,” he responded with a little lump in his throat.

Thor came in and sat back down where he had been previously. “Dangerous woman,” he muttered.

“Hela’s nice.” Loki disagreed.  “Listen, I’m going to go out on a limb here, but your reaction to her was really weird. Are we more than brothers?”  

Thor opened and closed his mouth at the question. He stared as though he had no idea what to do and gave Loki such a lost look that it tugged at Loki’s soul.

Finally, he nodded. “You’re not wrong.” With a deep sigh Thor rested his arms on his legs. “You remember?”

“No, but I have vivid dreams.” Loki picked at his jacket.

“We can talk about it when you have your memories back.” Thor told him a little stiffly.

“Have we fucked?” Loki refused to let it go.

Thor looked like he wasn’t going to answer then finally nodded. “We have a complicated relationship.”

“I see,” Loki looked at his cold tea.  He stared hard at Thor as though trying to force his memory to return. “I have a headache.” He announced after a while of intense examination, then got up to curl up in his bed. “Go away.”

“No,” Thor shook his head.

“Then make yourself useful and dim the lights.” Loki muttered. “I’m taking a nap.”

“It’s twelve thirty.”

Loki didn’t even bother to answer. He shut his eyes and forced his mind to clear and not dwell on the fact that the man he’d been dreaming about for years was close enough to touch and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Thor sighed and watched him sleep.

*TBC*  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I finally scraped together another chapter.   
> I'm so sorry I'm slow.   
> enjoy.

Loki woke suddenly and scowled as a wonderful dream he was having faded far too quickly into the dark recesses of his mind. It was annoying, really. Any good dreams he could never remember fully, but he knew this one was good. It left him with a tug on his heart and an ache for something more. He could almost hear soft words of gentle voice praising him. Praise wasn’t something he was used to in the past, he felt certain.

He forced his eyes to open further and was reminded that he wasn’t alone when he saw that Thor was still in his spot. The clock at the side of his bed told him he’d slept a good three hours, not enough but it was something. Thor was still practically blocking the door, he wouldn’t have a chance to sneak away. Not that it would help. His address would be easy to find and really what was the point of running?

He had only managed to bargain enough time to finish his book then he would be dragged out of his peaceful life. He stretched and slid off the bed in one fluid movement. It felt odd today, like everything was brighter than it was earlier that day. His senses were sharper than ever, he ached to write undisturbed for hours and hours. Inspiration? Perhaps.

But first he had to take care of this maddening itch in the back of his head. With a smirk he rose to his feet and moved quietly towards his ‘brother’. It was useless to argue, to get him to move from his current course of action. Experience…experience? He barely knew the man. He did not have experience with Thor no matter what was said earlier. It could not be true, how could anyone…how could anyone survive? He was … he was a masterpiece. What came after having someone like Thor? Nothing else would be as good, he was certain.

He glanced at his desk, sure that if he tried to start writing, no words would come in spite of the inspiration he was feeling. He needed something else, his mind was too messy. He needed to straighten it out, and scratch this itch.

When he stepped closer, however, Thor twitched alert and his eyes opened quickly when he saw Loki standing so close. He was immediately defensive, which oddly hurt.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Loki sighed as he put his hands up in front of his chest instinctively. “Settle down.”

Maybe talking wasn’t their thing? He could see the emotional pain in Thor’s eyes. Maybe action was their thing? He had no idea and having bits and pieces of memory sucked.

He stepped closer and rested his hand on Thor’s cheek, tentatively tracing the powerful jaw. He could hardly believe he was actually touching the man he’d dreamed of for so long.

Thor’s lips parted as if to speak but no words came out.

“How long has it been since we were last together?” Loki wasn’t sure how to phrase it.

“About fifteen years.” Thor’s voice was low as he raised his eyes to look at Loki. “Give or take a few. It was a few years before Odin’s intentions to make me King became known.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember.” Loki’s fingers brushed gently over Thor’s cheek bone and to his ear, then into his hair.

Thor gazed intently at Loki. “It’s probably for the best,” his expression was incredibly sad and his hands remained on his thighs, balled into tight fists.

Loki shook his head, “no it isn’t.”  He used his thumb to trace Thor’s bottom lip unable to stop himself from wondering what it tasted like.

“It was my fault, if I’m honest.” Thor’s lips trembled. “I failed you as a brother ---“

His words were cut off when Loki kissed him and Thor gave a faint sound of surprise. He didn’t resist it which bolstered Loki’s confidence and drove him to seek a deeper connection. He ran both hands through Thor’s hair, reveling in the feel of the thick locks between his fingers. The kiss sent shivers through his body and heat built inside. It was a little funny because he was always cold. He swept his tongue inside Thor’s mouth, invading him thoroughly. God, it felt… it felt so perfect, so utterly perfect. He felt it all the way down to his toes. Thor was kissing him back now, but still his hands did nothing. Loki wanted to be touched.

He was standing and Thor was still sitting. He had to arch his back slightly but not by much, Thor was that long and tall. Loki longed to feel his muscles, have their skin touch, how good it would be. The best sex he’d ever had, he’s sure. What other person could compare?  He felt Thor shudder and there were large hands on his hips. At first he thought Thor was going to finally touch him.

Thor did not.

Thor very gently, very firmly stood up and pressed against Loki to encourage him to step back. He broke their kiss, panting.

“You can’t tell me you don’t want me.” Loki gave a petulant toss of his head. Thor’s hardening cock was evidence of that.

“I’m not saying I don’t.” Thor’s hands remained on Loki’s waist. His gaze was filled with regret and pain.

“Then what is the problem? A good fuck will help me finish this book a lot faster.” Loki placed a hand on Thor’s chest and sort of kneaded it a little bit. He wished the shirt was gone.

“You hate me.” Thor said softly. “You hate me. You tried to kill me, more than once. When you get your memory back you’ll remember how much you hate me.”  It was obvious he was forcing himself to say those words.

“Hate, no I don’t think I ever hated you.” Loki shook his head, muddled by feelings he couldn’t understand fully. “Thor, I’ve been having dreams about you.”  His other hand brushed at the hair that had fallen across Thor’s forehead. “Good dreams.” He grunted, “and bad ones.”

“We can’t just pick up where we left off, Loki. Too much has happened.” Thor rested his forehead against Loki. “You have to face judgement in Asgard.”

“For crimes I don’t even remember.” Loki rolled his eyes and pulled away from Thor. “This is ridiculous, Thor, why can’t you just leave me alone? I was happy just like this. Writing, living quietly.”

“Because I want my _brother_ back!” Thor’s voice raised a smidge. “You’re also in danger and I can’t leave you here on your own!”

“How gallant of you!” Loki snapped. “No one has recognized me for this long and my face is on the back of many books.”

“But you were recognized!” Thor argued.

“Oh, go away!” Loki growled and flung himself into his work chair.

“Loki, Norns’ tits, you’re impossible, even when you’re not yourself!” Thor flings his hands in Loki’s direction in frustration. “That woman who befriended you. Helen you call her. She’s the one who sold you out to Shield. Told them of your whereabouts. Its people like her that make this life you want impossible! You’re a Prince of Asgard, and you need to come home!”

 _But I’m not a Prince of Asgard, I’m not even your brother, Odinson! The_ scathing words almost left his lips before Loki caught them. How did he know that? What was wrong with him?

“So force me home then!” Loki growled. “Force me home in chains to face your Asgardian justice for crimes I don’t even remember! You’re strong enough, you could easily overpower me!” He shoved at Thor’s chest and put distance between them.  If he had anything to throw, he’d have thrown it.

“No, no I really couldn’t, not if you didn’t want me to.” Thor had the audacity to laugh. “You don’t like people to know because you love your secrets but you can worm your way out of any situation you wanted to with magic and your way with words. You may not be a warrior but you are as formidable as one when you put your mind to it.” The look he gave Loki was so soft and tender it made him squirm.

It was a familiar feeling. Loki hated and loved being praised by Thor because it automatically diverted any anger.  It made his heart hammer in his chest as he sorted through emotions. He knew that many times before he had been furious like this and then Thor would say something dumb and romantic without meaning to be. The righteous anger would deflate and he would be left feeling foolish….  He blinked. Did he just remember something?  He cast Thor a suspicious look.  Had he done that on purpose in order to draw out this reaction? To make Loki remember?

No.

Thor’s eyes were honest, Loki realized, chagrinned. It was a little bit aggravating and always had been. He remembered this feeling. This utterly annoying desire to abandon his anger and just do whatever Thor wanted because he had stroked Loki’s ego. It didn’t happen often. People didn’t praise him. People feared him and some even hated him. He grabbed his head as random feelings and reasons bombarded him. Many of them were completely out of context because he didn’t have his memories but he knew now Thor was right.

He was, in fact, Loki of Asgard, the fifteen hundred years old younger brother of the crown prince Thor, or something.

He paled at the realization of how utterly fucked he was and tore into the bathroom to throw up to slam the door shut and empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He cringed and groaned. “Leave me alone!” He snapped at Thor, who was knocking softly to get access.

“Loki, are you alright?”

No, he wasn’t.

He was awful.

He couldn’t remember everything but some things were coming back.

A dark black space stretching out for endless miles.

A false promise of power.

A voice whispering to him words that he couldn’t actually make out.

He shook his head trying to clear it and gasped at the tightening in his chest. He could hardly breathe. He scrabbled at his chest and willed the door to remain closed no matter how much Thor pounded on it.

_Magic._

“Loki! Open up!” Thor commanded.

A low breeze picked up in the room around him and fell away. Nothing. He had lost everything. For years he didn’t even know who he was! He gave a soft cry. He still didn’t know. As quickly as they had bombarded him the memories were fleeting in his mind and the more he reached for them, the more they scattered from his grasp.

 _Almost as if he was cursed_.

The door flung open suddenly because Loki had no control over his magic anymore, over anything. He gazed at Thor, eyes wide with fear as he wiped his mouth. “W-what happened to me?” He asked his older brother in a cracked and trembling voice.

He felt terribly cold and wrapped his arms around himself. It wasn’t the usual chill he always felt but something more. Something unnatural.

_Am I cursed?_

The words echoed in his mind, he’d uttered them before, he knew. He refused to accept Thor’s help and got to his own feet as he kept the larger man from getting too close.

“I don’t know, Loki. You vanished.” Thor let his hands fall to his sides. He looked an odd combination of curious and worried. “Do you remember anything?”

He pushed past Thor into the bedroom where his phone had chimed. No he didn’t remember anything and he could hardly figure out how to talk at the moment.

There was a message from Hela.

The text simply read: “Are you awake now, little brother?”

Loki’s head reeled and the room spun around him as he collapsed to his knees. The phone dropped from his hands.

“Loki!” Thor caught him and dragged him to his feet.

He cried there in Thor’s arms, great loud sobs that he couldn’t control. His life had spun completely out of control and possibly to the point of no return ever since he had reached for a golden staff that glowed blue.

“I _am_ cursed.” Loki’s voice was harsh when he uttered those words.

“Maybe, but we’ll figure it out together.” Thor assured him, pressing a hand against his neck fondly. “Do you remember anything?”

“Not everything.” Loki shook his head and wiped at the tears, embarrassed.

“Do you remember us, at least?” Thor sounded almost desperate.

“More or less.” Loki muttered, looking away.

“Well, that’s progress at least.” Thor ran a hand through his hair and let go.

Loki sagged down into his desk chair, deflated. “Why did Hela call me little brother? I don’t remember a sister.”

“That is a very long story.” Thor sighed. “Loki, do you remember enough to leave this place with me? Surely you can see you can’t stay here anymore. It’s not safe.”

“Fine,” Loki gave Thor a boneless shrug, he didn’t feel like arguing anymore.

“Good. Gather your things,” Thor nodded, relieved. “I’m taking you to the Avenger’s compound. There’s more protection against Hela there and less chance of her snatching you.”

“Yay.” Loki responded flatly without any enthusiasm whatsoever.

**TBC**


End file.
